I borrow this episode’s title from Gordon B. Hinckley’s book, Standing for Something. As Pres. Hinckley puts it, "Civility covers a host of matters in how one human being relates to another with basic human kindness and goodness. Civility requires us to restrain and control ourselves, and at the same time to act with respect towards others.” We see less civility on the roads. Profanity, certainly a mark of incivility, is increasing at alarming rates. People allowing themselves to be triggered shows a lack of self-restraint and civility towards others. We are taught to be Christ-like, but that is a confusing word. Christ was too multifaceted a person to describe Him with a single word. I suggest we seek after being civil to others. It is a high bar, but an attainable one.
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S3E7 – Our Fading Civility
This is the podcast Science and Scriptures - Discerning Truth from Error, Season 3, Episode 7, or “Our Fading Civility.”
Hello everyone. This is Scott Frazer of the podcast Science and Scriptures. I am borrowing this episode’s title from Gordon B. Hinckley’s book, Standing for Something – 10 Neglected Virtues that will Heal our Hearts and Homes. I have wanted to write an episode on civility for a long time, but until I re-read this book, I didn’t know how to give it justice. President Hinckley gave me a great foundation for this subject, and I would like to quote liberally from his book.
I realize that most of my readers are trying to live a good, Christ-like lives. In this podcast episode, I am going to place before you a challenge. I consider it the very practical way of living a Christ-like life. That is – treat everyone with civility.
Now, civility is a multi-faceted word, and it encompasses many behaviors. As Pres. Hinckley put it,
“Civility covers a host of matters in how one human being relates to another with basic human kindness and goodness. Civility requires us to restrain and control ourselves, and at the same time to act with respect towards others.”
During my career, I traveled frequently by air.I came to notice that many travelers reacted poorly to the stress of travel and allowed themselves to be amazingly uncivil towards others. Have you ever had a flight cancelled and stood in the Customer Service line to get the flight rebooked? People literally scream at the service reps. I once had a flight cancelled in Phoenix. When I got to the service desk, I explained to the agent that I had family in Phoenix who I could visit. She could rebook my flight anytime in the next couple of days. The agent said, “Bless you…” and she meant it. Everyone else had been shouting at her. On the plane, people are extremely rude to flight attendants. One flight I was on, before it could take off, the airplane had to taxi back to the gate because a man refused to stow his tray table for take-off. When security came in to remove the man, I led the applause – which I know may have been impolite but was well-deserved.
In the customer service centers of stores and activity centers, you regularly see signs posted to inform you that the employees don’t set the rules. They are only doing their jobs, so please don’t yell at them. It is a sad reflection of our society that such signs are necessary.
We see less civility on the roads. A couple weeks ago, I posted an episode that suggested that drivers who drive through red lights will be judged, probably not in this life but certainly in the next. Following too closely, cutting people off, and other rude driving behavior is common on city streets and highways. Such behavior lacks civility, and I think it too will be part of our judgement.
Profanity is, of course, a mark of incivility. President Hinckley was very direct in his condemnation of profanity. He says in the same book Standing for Something that vulgarity…
“… speaks of rudeness and crudeness and an utter insensitivity to the feelings and rights of others. It is so with much of the language of the day. In schools and in the workplace, evil, filthy, coarse language is common.It too marks a lack of civility.”
“Those who routinely take the name of God in vain and resort to filthy, crude language only advertise the poverty of their vocabularies, a glaring paucity in their powers of expression, and a flaw in their moral make up.”
If President Hinckley were alive today, he would be astonished (and incensed) at how much profanity has crept into our lives.We regularly hear profane words in our television shows, movies, schools, and public places. What is uncivil about profanity? A civil person is embarrassed to discuss certain bodily functions or activities. An uncivil person may think himself brave to ignore social graces and repeat profane words unceasingly. I have always thought that if aliens ever approached our planet, monitoring our communications and entertainment, they would be amazed at how much humans talk about their excrement and sexual practices. Wouldn’t they conclude that we are still uncivilized, be repulsed by such a species, and fly past, continuing to look for a truly civilized people?
Profanity is an outburst, small or large, of our anger or exasperation. Civility requires that we suppress such outbursts, but as we leave civility behind, we give in to our desire to express anger and rage. It used to be that angry people screamed their frustration into a pillow. No one uses pillows anymore. Many people think that this trend signals a new liberation that people can honestly express their anger with streams of profanity. Many men think cursing to be an expression of their swaggering, outlaw-like manliness. Throughout history, women have held onto their civility much longer than men.Today, however, women have demanded their liberation, including, for some, the liberty to regularly use profanity. Many women can not seem to understand how much they give up for that liberty. I was sitting in an airport as a young lady next to me cried to her friend on the phone that she had just been kicked off a flight for using profanity with the flight attendants as she boarded the plane. She said, “You know me, I can’t talk without using profanity!” It was the saddest comment I have heard a young woman make about herself.
President Hinckley goes on to further define civility.He says,
“Civility is the root of the word civilization. It carries with it the essence of courtesy, politeness, and consideration of others…All of the education and accomplishments of the world will not count for much unless they are accompanied by marks of gentility, of respect for others, of going the extra mile, of serving as a Good Samaritan, of being men and women who look beyond our own selfish interests to the good of others.”
In the church, members have many bars set before us. We are encouraged to raise the bar of our performance. The Savior’s counsel in Matthew 5:48 states that we should “Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.”Even knowing that the definition of the word ‘perfect’ in this verse does not mean without flaw or error, it’s still rather intimidating.
We are taught to be Christ-like, but that is also a confusing word. Christ was too multifaceted a person to describe Him with a single word. He displayed a number of emotions, including anger if you remember when he drove the moneychangers from the temple - twice. I understand that it was righteous anger, but that’s a podcast subject for another day.Today, I’m looking for one word towards which we can strive in our normal, mundane lives.
I suggest that “civility” is that word. It requires that you be civil and respectful to those around you. It requires that you not use profanity. Here’s an added benefit. If you are always civil towards those around you, very rarely will you have to repent and apologize to anyone. Such apologies are so very uncomfortable. So, with this encouragement by President Hinckley, I hope you consider focusing on the word “civility” more than you have in the past.It’s a high bar. It is achievable, but you must keep it top of mind, especially when you travel.
During my days of business travel, I would stop a moment before entering my home airport and remind myself to be nice to everyone. I knew I was entering a very uncivil world and needed to renew my commitment not to be influenced by that world. With time, I decided to simply extend that practice beyond airports and planes to everywhere else. I’m certainly not perfect at it, but I have found that commitment to have a calming effect on me. I allow myself to inwardly laugh at people who cut me off in traffic. I may privately think I should attend their final judgments to see what their rudeness has cost them. But I try to restrain myself from reacting verbally or emotionally beyond that.
In Matthew 5:44, the Savior summarizes the Law of the Gospel into one simple verse.
“Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you.”
Let me emphasize that I am certainly not at that point. I cannot love, bless, do good, or pray for those who are rude and obnoxious to me. Instead, I actively strive to avoid those people.That being said…, when I interact with uncivil people, I first endeavor to not return rudeness for rudeness. Then I dedicate myself to avoiding those same people. In doing so, I find myself to be a much happier person.
I submit that you can recognize those people who have committed themselves to be civil. You can usually see it in their faces – a calmness, a contentment. You can see it in their stride – not hurried, not forced. You can hear it in their voice – a relaxed voice constantly finding a hint of humor in those who would offend them. Gordon B. Hinckley also described those people, though a bit more poetically than I.He said,
“Sloppy language and sloppy ways go together. Those who are truly educated have learned more than the sciences, the humanities, law, engineering, and the arts. They carry with them a certain polish that marks them as loving the better qualities of life, the culture that adds luster to the mundane world of which they are a part, a patina they put a quiet glow on what otherwise, might be base metal.”
Some listeners may think I am being a bit extreme in saying that a lack of civility towards others will be included in our list of sins and trespasses. Let me provide you one last quote by President Hinckley. As a people, we have a choice. If we are a people who are uncivil, he says…
“No matter the extent of our education… we will lack that which is most precious.We will be deficient in the godly quality of reaching out with respect and kindness, with courtesy and appreciation and maturity, toward our fellow travelers here on planet earth.”
Civility is a godly quality. I hope we can all learn to “reach out with respect and kindness.”
Being Triggered and Never Learning Civility
There is a great deal of media attention being given to people who are easily triggered. Women who lose their temper and go into screaming fits have been given their own name - Karen. Universities have designated safe zones where students can go to not be triggered.Warnings are given at the beginning of the university’s lessons, addresses, and books so that audiences will not be so triggered. Students are allowed to disrupt the talks of invited speakers who do not agree with their views. So, instead of learning how to deal maturely with ideas that run contrary to their own, college students are being protected from them. They don’t ever have to learn to be civil towards those with whom they disagree.Instead, they enclose themselves in a bubble and curse anyone outside of it.
The irony of putting non-trigger zones in colleges and universities is that it is in those institutes of higher learning where students are supposed to learn how to deal with new ideas. There we are meant to develop our minds and an understanding of the world. That can’t happen if we refuse to consider new ideas. Civility is a learned art, built by developing self-discipline and respect for those with whom we disagree.
Civility is Difficult
However, because self-discipline is required to achieve civility, please note it is not an easy thing to do. In a world full of nice people, it would be easy. But, let’s be honest, we don’t live in a world of nice people. People are often self-absorbed, unpleasant, and downright mean. Angry people are usually not happy with their lives - and they will blame you or anyone else who gets in their way. Here’s the key to civility. When you are offended or wronged by someone, your self-discipline must demand that you do not react poorly. It’s really all in the timing. As soon as possible, you need to get yourself out of the situation, with your dignity and civility intact.
Having done that however, you will still be angry, In truth, everyone is triggered by mean and offensive people. It’s part of our mental makeup. A recent podcast of mine was entitled Your Mind Can be your Own Worst Enemy. Emotions are a part of your mind and dictate many of your actions. Being offended by someone (yet walking away without returning rudeness for rudeness) does notcalm your emotions. Personally, I usually rant and rave in my head for, oh, 2-4 days after I have been offended. That mental anger often keeps me awake at night. I think about all of the witty, mean things I could have said. It is not until days later, when my emotions have had time to calm down, when I realize that, in the long run, it is good that I did not unleash my wrath upon someone. If I had done that, I might be in the situation where I should apologize and, as I stated earlier, I hate doing that. In summary, civility is hard. But it’s easily understood and it’s doable.
In 2015, Tim McGraw released the song “Humble and Kind”. It was a big hit. The music was soothing and it gave listeners some great advice. The chorus goes as follows:
“Hold the door, say please, say thank you
Don't steal, don't cheat, and don't lie
I know you got mountains to climb but
Always stay humble and kind”
Tim McGraw is essentially encouraging people to be civil. Humble and kind are two really good characteristics to have to attain civility.
Let me clarify the really difficult part of what I am suggesting. You may be thinking that, “Hey, I’m humble and kind. I’m civil with others at least 95% of the time.” That’s good… but then again, almost anyone can attain that. It’s easy to be civil to others when they are being civil to you. You can be civil when someone lets you into traffic or when someone holds a door open for you. You can be humble and kind when your spouse treats you well or you are recognized for good work at your job. The challenge of civility is being civil during the other, more difficult 5% of the time. Are you civil when someone cuts you off in traffic or when someone halts their cart in the middle of the grocery store aisle, oblivious that others need to get by?Can you be civil when you and your spouse have argued or when you have been criticized at work? Can you be civil to airline customer service reps when your flight has been cancelled?
The Lord is hoping you can attain this goal. In the hereafter, when you are given responsibilities, the Lord is going to expect you to be civil 100% of the time. If you’re only capable of 95%, you may not be entrusted with any significant jobs in the next life. I don’t believe the Lord, nor His angels, are going to consider 95% as acceptable. The Lord never mentioned 95% compliance to civility limits. He did however, command “Be ye therefor perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect”, which rather implies obedience and civility 100% of the time.
So, that is all I have for you today. Thank you for listening to my podcast. Gordon B. Hinckley was a great writer and I appreciate his words about civility. With him, I’d like to challenge all of us to elevate our game when it comes to dealing with others. If you have friends who might benefit from this discussion, please share this episode with them. This is Scott Frazer from the podcast Science and Scriptures. Take care, have a good week, and may God bless.