The first weeks of a new year are a good time to reflect on your life. After all, New Year’s resolutions are simply a form of repentance. So, I am going to ask you what I deem, The Most Important Question of Life, “What do you want?” The question, “What do you want?” slices through all the justifications, excuses, and complaints of an indecisive person. As the saying goes, the question cuts to the chase. What do you want? In 1943, psychologist Abraham Maslow developed the Theory of Human Motivation which came to be called Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. To answer the question, “What do you want?”, we consider these needs. I realize everyone is very, very busy. Until the day you have more time, I would like to suggest that you look for "Ethereal Moments”, or moments to step out of the world for a few seconds. Such moments are described in this episode - and may help answer, "What do I want?"
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S2E13 – The Most Important Question of Life - What Do You Want?
This is the podcast Science and Scriptures, Season 2, Episode 13, or “The Most Important Question of Life - What Do you Want?”
Hello everyone. This is Scott Frazer, your host of the podcast Science and Scriptures. We are celebrating the beginning of a new year. Generally, the first weeks of a new year are a good time to reflect on your life and decide if you should change any part of it. After all, New Year’s resolutions are simply a form of repentance. What did I do last year that I want to do more of this year? With this episode, I would like to help you to do that. So, I am going to ask you what I deem (and the following words are capitalized), The Most Important Question of Life. It is a question we all must answer – not just once but every day of our lives. Don’t be disappointed, but the Most Important Question of your life is, “What do you want?”
In the 2004 movie, “The Notebook” two teenagers, Noah and Allie, have a summer romance in Seabrook, South Carolina. Noah works at a lumber mill, so Allie’s rich and controlling parents send her off to college at the end of summer and even intercept her letters from Noah. Both go on with their lives but are obviously not over one another. Allie then gets engaged to Lon, a rich and handsome young man. But Allie feels conflicted and goes to Seabrook to visit Noah before the wedding. This rekindles the romance of course. When Lon appears in Seabrook, the stage is set. Allie cannot choose between the two suitors. She loves them both. During his inevitable argument with Allie, Noah demands to know, “What do you want?”He asks her that question four times in a row.
Allie makes her choice and chooses Noah. She had arrived at a point where she had to choose. But, you have to give credit to Noah. He asked the right question. The question, “What do you want?” slices through all the justifications, excuses, and complaints of an indecisive person. As the saying goes, the question cuts to the chase. What do you want?
In the fantasy movie series, Pirates of the Caribbean, Captain Jack Sparrow (played by Johnny Depp) owns a compass which does not point north. It points in the direction of whatever its owner wants most. Wow, I wish I’d had that compass during my life. It would have been deeply reassuring to learn what a magical compass thinks I want most, because I have spent a lot of time trying to figure that out.
The question “What do you want?” takes everything about the person you are – your Preexistent spirit, your genetics, your childhood, your education, and the personality you have developed - and boils it all down to one simple question. When faced with the question, I have seen people argue, deny the need to decide, waver… or absolutely refuse to answer, usually by stating “I don’t know!”. Strange, isn’t it? Because you are the only person in the world who can possibly answer the question “What do you want?”.
In the Netflix TV show “Lucifer”, Satan comes to earth on a vacation from hell. In this series, Lucifer has only one power over normal people. If he asks someone the question, “What do you most desire in life?”, the person is compelled to answer. The answer reveals the true nature of the person being questioned. Given that the Lucifer of this television series only has one power, the network chose an interesting one to give him.
We live in a day and time when whatever you want is more easily available than ever. If you want to go to a foreign country, you can book a flight. If you want to buy something, log onto Amazon.com and order it for next-day delivery. Granted, your financial situation may limit what you can purchase, but you are better off than most everyone that lived just 100 years ago.
Two of the biggest such “What Do You Want?” questions in life are, “What career do you want to pursue?” and “Who do you want to marry?” I don’t think I ever really answered the career question. In college, I found I had a knack for understanding chemistry. Due to a few good teachers, I was shown how chemistry is an interesting and well-organized science. Most of my classmates hated chemistry class, so I concluded that there must be job openings in the field. So… I went into chemistry. Like a small stream running down a mountain, I simply followed the path of least resistance.There was never a flash of inspiration or moment of insight for me. Sometimes decisions go that way.
The question “Who do you want to marry?” is just as important. As portrayed in the movie “The Notebook”, this choice can be difficult.It’s a big decision, with long-term consequences if you get it wrong. In days past, marriages were arranged by the parents of the two young people. There was some merit to this system by the way. Parents based their decision on economic status and the ability of the two young people to support one another. The emotion of Love, certainly a complicating and ill-defined concept, was taken out of the equation. To decide who to marry, you must have insight into, not only your desires, but into the desires of the person you wish to marry. I have my own definition of Love - if you love someone, you are more concerned for their happiness than you are for your own. You need to be sure you want to make that kind of commitment.Again, what do you want?
In 1943, psychologist Abraham Maslow developed the Theory of Human Motivation which came to be called Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. These original five principles are often depicted as a pyramid, since you must fulfill the lower, most basic needs first and build from there. To answer the question, “What do you want?”, we should consider these needs.
#1 Physiological needs - air, food, drink, warmth, sleep, etc. This makes sense of course. If you haven’t eaten for a day, you can think about little else besides fulfilling that need.
#2 Safety needs – a home and protection from the elements, security, freedom from fear.
#3 Love and belonging needs - One might also call these social needs. Simply put, you don’t want to be alone. You want friendship, intimacy, and acceptance into a group, be that a family, friends, a church, or work colleagues.
#4 Self-Esteem needs, such as attaining dignity and achievement in your eyes – and in those of other people. You want to feel that you matter.
#5 Self-actualization needs - realizing personal potential, self-fulfillment, seeking personal growth and peak experiences. A desire “to become everything you are capable of becoming.” Non-religious people accept self-actualization as the pinnacle of success.
Later, Maslow added a couple of other needs. One of these was the “Need to Transcend the Personal Self”, which was his description of developing a spiritual side of life and building religious faith in a Higher Power.
This “Hierarchy of Needs” pyramid often controls your answer to “What do you Want?” If your job, salary, and ability to put food on the table are threatened, then what you most want becomes obvious. If you are evicted from your home, you must tend to the need for shelter before you can think about anything else. If you are all alone in the world and don’t have a social group, then you should seek to find one. Mankind is a social species. We need friends.
Maslow later explained that only the first three needs (Physiological, Shelter, and Belonging) are necessary for survival. Building self-esteem and self-actualization (including developing your spiritual self) can be worked on at the same time – or not worked on at all. Many people are perfectly happy after accomplishing the first three needs, finding no motivation to achieve the others. These people live to work and then party with their friends.Give them food, shelter, and companions and they feel no need to look for more. It is their life to live, of course, but these people are missing out on some of the most beautiful things of life. Once you are well-fed, sheltered from the elements, and have friends, your mind can and should turn towards accomplishing the higher tasks on the pyramid.
Some people choose to work on one of Maslow’s Needs to the exclusion of all others. For example, many ambitious people will choose to work long hours at their jobs, seeking recognition, promotions, and other boosts to their self-esteem. Others will seek happiness and self-actualization by pursuing a hobby or activity with focused intensity, willing to spend any amount of money and time on their interest. Their entire identity becomes wrapped up in their one passion. It reflects who they see themselves to be, a single aspect of life for which they want to be recognized.
Parents are very often wrapped up in their family lives, which is appropriate during the family years. But some parents feel the need to keep their children constantly entertained and occupied.They identify themselves as being very focused, single-minded, parents. Parenting young children does take a lot of time, but it need not take all of a parent’s time. Date your spouse. Go to a museum. When your children leave the house – and they will – have something left to turn to as you become empty-nester parents. Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs is a multi-level pyramid and, if it teaches us nothing else, we should understand that life can be filled with a variety of pursuits and interests - from breathing and eating to seeking for God’s spirit in our lives.
Sadly, but predictably, the need for a spiritual life is at the very top of the pyramid. By Maslow’s model, you have time for spirituality only when all other aspects of your life are fulfilled. This often turns out to be a precarious position for a spiritual life. A job loss, a health issue, or a family problem is often enough to dislodge one’s spiritual life completely off the pyramid. The more pressing needs at the bottom of the pyramid take all your time.I have known many faithful church members who, when an unexpected job loss, a divorce, or health issue occurred, stopped attending church altogether. Apparently, they did not believe that the church, their bishop, or ward members could actually help them get through their crisis. Dealing with job or family issues should not mean taking a break from church activity. Those who do are just cutting a lifeline.
The answer to the “What do you want?” question is certainly influenced by your genetics, your personality, and your spiritual experiences… the list goes on and on.But the answer to the question is largely influenced by your freedom of choice. Your genetics and history only partially influence you. Every day, you have the freedom to remain the person you are… or you can try to scale up the pyramid a bit. The answer to “What do you want?” can only change if you choose to change it.
Now at this point, you may be expecting me to launch into an if-you-want-it-you-can-obtain-it speech. But this is not a self-help podcast, though there are hundreds of those to choose from.I just want you to evaluate your answer to the question. What do you want and why do you want it?
Personally, during my career I desperately wanted to get a new job many times. My self-esteem (Need #4) was taking some real hits being in those jobs. But the need to continue to put food on the table in a house that protected my family (Needs #1 & #2) were a higher priority for me. So, I stayed in my lame job until I was finally able to secure a better job elsewhere. What you want and what you can have at the moment don’t necessarily have to match. But if your priorities include a spiritual life, then you can have that along with everything else life has to offer.
My Uncle Rex was a no-nonsense career Army man. He was a Vietnam vet and was awarded the purple heart when he came too close to an enemy bomb. He retired as a Lieutenant Colonel. Then he became a devout, born-again Christian and dedicated his life to teaching the Gospel through the Bethel program. He wasn’t happy with me joining the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints or with me going on my mission. But he respected my decision. He lived several states away, so I didn’t see him very often. In one of our rare conversations late into the night at the home of my parents, we talked about the Plan of Salvation. I asked him, “What do you want out of life, Uncle Rex?’
“Everything”, he said with that intense Army officer glare of his. “I want everything the Lord will provide in this life and the next.And I will do everything necessary to deserve those blessings.”
What a great answer.To be clear, when my Uncle Rex said “everything”, he was not talking about material possessions. He did not want a bigger house, a new car, or more clothes. He wanted the more important things in life – a spiritual relationship with God, an understanding of the Gospel, and a charitable approach to life. Uncle Rex died many years ago. He was a good man and he had found some of the answers to his quest. I expect to see him again in the next life and we can talk about finding the answers to the rest of his questions.
Many of my listeners may now be thinking, “That is all well and good and I should be pursuing the higher things in life BUT I AM SO BUSY! I fully realize that most all of us have packed our lives with so many pastimes, that we have no time for anything else. So, no, I am not going to call you to repentance for your busy lives.I understand. Over the years I have developed a respect for the scripture in Ecclesiastes,
“To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;”
There will come a day when you will have more time. Until then, I would like to suggest that you try out a concept called “Finding the Ethereal Moments”. These are “moments” because most people don’t have time for anything that lasts longer than a few seconds. So, here we go – what are ethereal moments and why should you want them?
Ethereal Moments
Something ethereal is defined as, “extremely delicate and light in a way that seems too perfect for this world.” To have an ethereal moment, you must feel that you have stepped out of the world for a few seconds. Ethereal moments are rare, but they can occur at any time.For example, as you read your scriptures you should be searching for epiphanies, such as a scripture that strikes a chord with you. It might comfort you, or it might give you a new perspective on how to address a problem.We generally think this is the Spirit – and perhaps it is. But it could also be just you, recognizing in good literature a concept that resonates with you or sheds light on a problem you’ve been having.
An ethereal moment can occur in the simplest of tasks. You may be hanging a picture on the wall and realize – it’s perfect.Don’t move it up or down, right, or left. It’s perfect right there. It may be a moment during your meditation and self-introspection, when you realize something about yourself that you never recognized before. It may come as a moment when you are looking at your spouse and, with unexpected magnitude, realize how precious she or he is to you.Ethereal moments often include feelings of gratitude. They often feel spiritual, so much so that people often confuse an ethereal moment with spiritual witness. They are similar, but they are not identical.
For each of Maslow’s steps in his hierarchy, I am going to suggest a possible ethereal moment, so you get an idea of what to look for.
1 – Physiological Needs – Have you ever taken a bite of ice cream and wondered how you could have forgotten how good Mint Chocolate Chip tastes?
2 – Safety – Have you ever snuggled under a soft warm blanket and felt pure gratitude that you were safe at home, away from the maddening crowd?
3 - Love and belonging – Have you ever observed your family playing together and consciously committed the scene to your long-term memory, knowing this beloved time will pass?
4 – Self Esteem – Have you yet had the opportunity to see your daughter graduate high school and think, “Wow, what a fantastic young lady we have raised!”.
5 - Self-actualization needs – At the end of a good day, do you stop and realize just how good a day it really was? Is there something you did today that improved the person you are, that made you more knowledgeable, more fit, or more at peace with yourself?
6 - Our Need to Transcend this world - These are the moments that you pull yourself away from the day’s responsibilities and commune with God. This can be done through meditation or prayer (which are not the same thing, by the way).I suggest looking for these moments in your unhurried, quieter moments when your kids are in bed and your day is about done.
So, in the midst of your busy days, I am going to suggest that one of the answers to the question, “What do I want?” should be “To find more ethereal moments”. Temporal life is very clingy. It is hard to pull yourself out of its clutches. But, if you can find more ethereal moments in your temporal life and more spiritual moments on your spiritual life, you can be a happier and more fulfilled person.
A few other hints about ethereal moments, based on my own experience and opinion of course.
Classical music, which is written to inspire, may help you find ethereal moments. I don’t believe you’ll ever find ethereal moments listening to rap music.
Ethereal moments don’t like noisy environments. If you own a large and loud pickup truck, you probably won’t find many ethereal moments as you are driving it.
You will find that your body can be a hindrance to your mind in finding beauty and uncover ethereal moments. If you are enduring hard workouts, sick, or just exhausted from the long day, it’s hard to find the clarity and peace of mind to find an ethereal moment.
You won’t find ethereal moments when considering your material possessions. Self-satisfaction is not the same thing as self-realization.
Actually, you answer the question “What do I want?” every day as you go up and down Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. When you are hungry, you find yourself at the bottom of the pyramid, simply looking through your kitchen for something to eat. When your family is hungry, you may find yourself at level 3, providing food for the family that gives you love and belonging. When you read a good book, you have achieved level 5, developing yourself and gaining knowledge.
Lastly, when you attend church, read scriptures, or pray, you can achieve the highest point of Maslow’s pyramid. You are transcending this temporal life and reaching for understanding of the Gospel and communication with God. God has commanded that we dedicate the first day of the week to this pursuit. There is no higher purpose to which you can give your time.
Asking the question, “What do I want out of life?” is a good start to introspection. Figuring out how to find more ethereal moments in your temporal life is a good step in the right direction. Then finding time for spiritual pursuits is just as essential. If your answer to the question, “What do I want out of life?” is “Everything it has to offer”, then I encourage you to understand your personal hierarchy of needs and keep pushing yourself towards the top of your pyramid. May God bless you in this new year, and may you be able to answer the question, “What do you want?”.
That is all I have for you today. Thank you for listening to my podcast. If you want this year to be a bit better than last year, I propose that you start by asking yourself what you can reasonably expect to achieve each day of the year. It can be a difficult question, but hopefully you can find the ethereal moment of self–realization you are seeking. I’m hoping this year will be a good one for the podcast – and you can help. If you know someone who might benefit from looking for more ethereal moments in life, please consider sharing this episode with them. This is Scott Frazer from the podcast Science and Scriptures. Take care and have a good week.