We are going to discuss what you might say to someone you know who has lost their faith in God or their church. Sadly enough, lower religious observance and church activity among younger adults is becoming common around the world. Depending on why the person is struggling, here are a few suggestions of what you might say.
“Science and Scriptures” Episode #5 – or What you Might Say to Someone Who Has Lost Faith in God
Hello again. This is your host Scott Frazer and I would like to welcome you to episode #5 of the podcast Science and Scriptures.In the past two episodes, we discussed what you might say to an Atheist Evolutionist or a Creationist in a discussion about religion. Mostly those episodes were provided to bring you up to date on the Creation debate. When you wish to discuss science and religion, Creation versus Evolution is bound to be brought up, so I thought we should have those presentations early.
Today, we are going to talk about a change in church culture that is a much more current problem. We are going to discuss what you might say to someone you know who has lost their faith. Sadly enough, such losses are becoming all too common. You probably don’t know too many atheist evolutionists, but you probably do know someone who has lost their faith.
The Pew Research Center runs telephone surveys to determine the swings that are occurring in our societies all around the world. This survey always has questions regarding religion and faith, to determine how our views about God are changing across the world. What they have found is more than a little disturbing.
In 2018, the Pew Research Center found that only 65% of American adults identified themselves as Christians. This percentage had dropped a full 12% over the past decade. Meanwhile, the religiously unaffiliated share of the population, consisting of people who identify themselves as atheistic, agnostic, or “nothing in particular,” now stands at 26%, up from 17% in 2009.
A second independent study run by the General Social Survey found that in 2004, when the oldest Millennials were becoming twenty-something adults, 15% of the population responded that they never attended church. By 2018, fully 30% of those surveyed indicated that they never attended church.
These trends are worldwide, but not too surprising. It is well-known that religious congregations have been graying for decades. In another Pew Research report entitled “The Age Gap in Religion Around the World”, we read,
“Recent surveys have found that younger adults are far less likely than older generations to identify with a religion, believe in God, or engage in a variety of religious practices.”
This is not solely an American phenomenon: Lower religious observance among younger adults is common around the world. We are seeing decreases in church activity throughout the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (LDS) as well.
So, what can we tell a daughter who has lost her faith? We must start with an attempt to understand the basis of why she has become dispirited about her religion and belief in God.
Angry with God
In my experience, there seem to be two types of people who have lost their faith in God. One type of disaffiliated members (or ex-members) did not lose or misplace their faith – they cast it away from themselves as hard as they could. Their answer to the question of “Does God exist?” is “Absolutely not!”.
I have met a number of these people – so many so that I wrote a book called Angry with God to answer their charges. We’re not going to go over those answers in this podcast. Today I only want to review how we might respond to friends and family who have chosen to forgo their beliefs. I realize that you as a listener may be one of those people. In either case, I hope I can provide some insight.
Those who are truly angry with God may be angry with the world He created. Many of God’s children think He could have done a much better job at His task. This world includes natural disasters, poverty, cancer, famine, birth disorders, and other real dangers. Our earth contains evil men and women who want power and wealth for themselves, at any cost to other people or the environment. How could God allow that? The world may contain much more specific injustices that have targeted the person who is Angry with God. A sudden and unexpected tragedy may have happened to them or a family member – and they have never been able to resolve it or forgive God for it. Maybe a house fire, an automobile accident, or a natural disaster took away a loved one. You may know someone who died recently because of COVID-19. How could God have created such a world?
On a broader scale, you may know someone who is angry that God allows poverty, wars, racism, and inequality to exist in the world. Why did God build a world that contains such disappointment and despair? Many people simply cannot forgive God for the negative aspects of this world He created.
On the other hand, many people are mad at God because He has not answered an important prayer. He or she may have needed God to resolve a personal matter in their life, and He has not done it. Maybe a daughter has lost her way, and God is not helping her find it again. A rebellious child may be addicted to opioids, or your spouse might be unhappy in your marriage. A dear friend may have been fired from his job, or an elderly parent may be just holding on to life. Whatever the case, the situation looks hopeless. Many people have problems that only a miracle from God can rectify, but He is not responding. We know God has the power to make everyone’s’ problems go away, so why doesn’t He use it?
I have found that those who are angry with God make up a diverse group indeed. Some of these people still attend church services every Sabbath, often feeling guilty about their suppressed anger. Other people who are mad at God have never set foot in a church building. These people are often atheists or agnostics and use their anger to confirm their decision to ignore God. Their logic is that if God exists at all, He has created an unfair world and does not deserve their worship. Every time another global tragedy occurs, these disbelievers can again validate their disbelief. But anger with God is misplaced, unfair, and based on misunderstandings of the scriptures and the reasons for earth life. This is a complex issue that we will discuss in future episodes.
So God is blamed for many things—personal health issues, divorces, natural disasters, injuries, and death. He is blamed for wars, suppressive governments, and ethnic cleansings. God is blamed for allowing the Crusades of the Middle Ages, the Holocaust of World War II, and other religious atrocities. Earth’s history is replete with wars and violence between followers of different religions. Since the perception and worship of God is a main point of contention between such enemies, it is logical, I suppose, to blame God for not stepping in and clearing up the argument. If God stands by and watches crimes against humanity and does not intercede, halt the violence, and punish the oppressors, is He not complicit in the crimes?
With that introduction, I now want to consider how such deep Anger with God can come about. We can temporarily become angry at a complete stranger who has been rude to you or broken the law. A few months ago, I was rear-ended by a driver who was looking at his cell phone instead of what was ahead of him on the road – namely, me. I was rattled, but not hurt. Naturally, I expect people driving their cars around me to look at the road and not at their cell phones. It is the law after all. But, I am not naïve enough to think that many people actually obey that law. I was frustrated about the inconvenience of having to get my car repaired. But I couldn’t generate any real anger. I wasn’t emotionally invested in this stranger.
Real anger, as an emotion, is usually based on feelings that you have been betrayed. You can feel anger at a family member or friend who you believe has broken your love and trust. For example, anger is rather common between people who are dating. When I first started dating my wife in college, we had such a miscommunication. We had an evening class together and I slipped in a little late, but sat by another girl I had also been seeing. After class, my future wife, Cheri, stomped out of the classroom without saying a word to me. She was angry that I had betrayed our relationship, though, in my defense, we weren’t “going steady” or anything. (By the way, that argument still doesn’t work on her even 40 years later.) Cheri’s anger was real. Based on our dating and discussions, she had an expectation of how I would treat her, which did not include me sitting next to another girl in class. When I did not meet that expectation, she got very, very angry.
We often develop expectations on how God is supposed to treat us based on the image of our Heavenly Father that we build during Primary and Sunday School classes. Often our image is of a white-haired, bearded, loving grandfather who is just waiting to bless us with whatever we need or want. As small children, our wants are pretty simple and can often be met by loving parents. No problem. But as we get older, our wants and needs become more complex. When God does not respond to our prayers or meet our requests of Him, we get angry. I am using the pronoun “we” because I have been guilty of these feelings of anger and frustration many times. Over a career of one bad job after another, I often found myself praying in my own anger for help to get new jobs. “How hard can this be?”, I asked, “I’m qualified for this new job. Could you just give me a little help to get it!” My family and I were active members of the church – and my expectation was that our activity should mean something in getting a better job.
Unmet expectations lead to anger. Most of us have expectations that our loving Heavenly Father will protect us from the bad things in this life. In 1981, Rabbi Harold S. Kushner wrote the book When Bad things Happen to Good People - and it became a national best seller. Since the writing of the book of Job, faithful believers in God have been seeking for reasons for the tragedies in their lives. A few months ago, a young man sitting next to me on an airplane asked me what God was trying to teach him through the heartbreak of his recent divorce. A good friend in church confessed that he felt that his job loss could well have been divine retribution for the mistakes and follies of his life. I know many faithful church members who looked at their lives and decided that God was punishing them for their sins. To set things right, many of them dedicated more time to temple worship, charitable acts, prayer, and scripture reading, thinking God would reward them with the very specific blessing they sought.
Unfortunately, that is not the way blessings work. Blessings are attached to obedience to a specific commandment.
And when we obtain any blessing from God, it is by obedience to that law upon which it is predicated. (D&C 130:21)
For all who will have a blessing at my hands shall abide the law which was appointed for that blessing…(D&C 132:5)
Your friend or loved one may have lost faith because they believed that their obedience could be cashed in for what they desire. Bad things do happen to Good People, and God did not meet the expectations of those Good People. So, if you have a chance to talk to someone who is really angry with God, you might ask them to tell you about their expectations. A discussion about expectations often reveals breakdowns in the logic that support the anger. Such discussions often reveal perceptions of God as being that Kindly Grandfather developed in Primary and expectations that He will bless us with only good.
Please note that your questions may generate more anger at first. Anger with God is based on emotions, not logic. After all, does one person who is angry with God think that his rants and anger will change the pattern God has chosen for this earth for thousands of years and for millions of people? We know God has created many more planets than this one and the same pattern has probably been used for them as well. Often the best one can hope for is to give your friend or loved one something to think about. Good luck and God Bless your Effort.
Members who have Misplaced their Faith
The second type of church member who has lost faith are those who have truly misplaced their faith. If you ask them the question “Do you believe in God?”, their answer is often something like, “I don’t know, I just don’t know”. The “Angry with God” group is angry. The “Misplaced Faith” group is often tired, overwhelmed, disappointed, and struggling with life. They may be in a difficult life predicament and they simply cannot see a way out of it.
Our religion teaches that God loves you and “men are that they might have joy”. But if God is disappointing you and you are not finding much joy in your life, cognitive dissonance will often occur. “Cognitive dissonance” is a mental discomfort that is caused by trying to hold two opposing beliefs in your mind at the same time. It is a frustrating situation and the brain will make every effort to resolve the mental conflict. Unchallenged, such dissonance can shake the testimonies of the most faithful Christians. Faith wavers due to an onslaught of life’s disappointments.
We develop faith as little children, but, by definition, it is a child-like faith. We grow up thinking our faith will only get stronger, right? But sometimes, faith weakens instead. If faith is lost, what is left? I suggest that hope, however small, will always be left.
When someone tells you they have lost their faith, I suggest that you should ask them if they have lost their hope as well. In doing so, you should make clear that there is a big difference between hope and faith. In Gospel-based discussions, the word “hope” should be used to describe our belief in future events. For example, we hope that the Second Coming and the Resurrection will occur. As Alma explained, faith is a “hope for things which are not seen, which are true.” By my way of thinking, if something is in the future, it is not true yet – so we can’t say correctly that we have Faith in it. We have faith in the scriptures and present-day truths - that God lives, the church is true, etc. We also have faith in events that happened in the past, as they are true as well. But we must hope for things promised in the future.
I think the best scripture regarding hope was given by Moroni in chapter 7 of his book in the Book of Mormon. In his lifetime, Moroni had seen his people the Nephites defeated, hunted down, and destroyed. Yet he still knew what hope was, and in this verse, he stresses the need for it as well as faith.
“And again, my beloved brethren, I would speak unto you concerning hope. How is it that ye can attain unto faith, save ye shall have hope? And what is it that ye shall hope for? Behold I say unto you that ye shall have hope through the atonement of Christ and the power of his resurrection, to be raised unto life eternal, and this because of your faith in him according to the promise. Wherefore, if a man have faith he must needs have hope; for without faith there cannot be any hope.” (Moroni 7:40-42)
If you have no faith at all in God, or in Jesus Christ and the Atonement, well, Moroni is correct. With no faith at all, there is no reason to have hope that you will be raised to eternal life.
So you might think of hope as a litmus test for determining if a person has really lost ALL faith. If your son declares his faith is truly gone, he will have no hope at all for an afterlife. But if he still clings to a hope that his life will not blink out with his death – then he does retain some faith, whether he realizes it or not. One’s faith can be hard to recognize, harder still to quantify, or even to understand. Hope is a much easier emotion to recognize.
In his discourse on hope, faith and knowledge, Alma defines hope as a “particle of faith” or “a desire to believe”.
“But behold, if ye will awake and arouse your faculties, even to an experiment upon my words, and exercise a particle of faith, yea, even if ye can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until ye believe in a manner that ye can give place for a portion of my words”. (Alma 32: 27)
By my definitions, a desire to believe is hope. Alma suggests that you start with a hope that his words are true and let that hope “work in you” until you can develop faith in them. This is not just semantics. Faith can get stronger until it becomes knowledge. But faith can also weaken to the point that you start losing hope in an afterlife – or a hope in anything after death.
If your daughter tells you she has lost her faith, maybe you can ask her if she has lost her hope. Does she still hope that there is a life after death? Or does she believe that, with death, her spirit, her personality, her light is extinguished forever? Has she lost trust that she has an immortal spirit somewhere within her mind, somewhere alongside all the emotions and thoughts and responsibilities of her normal day-to-day life? Does she still have any hope within her that she will be part of an eternal family?
We know that God wants us to have hope. He wants us to want his promises to be true. Hope tends to be resilient than faith – for two reasons – one of which is biological and one which is spiritual. The biological reason is that we are all born with a strong desire for self-preservation. We fear death and, if we are in danger, we are willing to fight it or flee from it. When given the choice between a life after death or having our consciousness blink out and disappear with death, most all of us will choose the afterlife option. If you add the possibility of living with your eternal family, the afterlife is even more attractive. I think that a person would have to be very angry with God to want the end of their life to be the end of their existence. We all try to avoid or at least delay our deaths. For example, as they approached their deaths, numerous people have paid to have their heads or whole bodies frozen in the hope that future generations will be able to bring them back to life. Self- preservation is a very strong biological instinct that assists us in our hope life is not over at death.
Beyond the biology of self-preservation, I believe that my spiritual-self reminds me that it is the eternal component to my being. You see, I don’t FEEL mortal. Psychologists will say that this feeling is just my mind being unwilling to accept its future death. But this feeling goes very deep, it feels very spiritual and I can’t deny it is there.
As a scientist I lament the fact that I can give you no proof for my feeling – it is, after all, a spiritual communication. But when I look in the mirror, I often have two impressions. First, I am usually surprised at how much older I look. But then I have the reassurance that it doesn’t matter – my life will continue after the death of this body. So, though I have no physical proof to provide, my hope in my resurrection and eternal life is solid. The conviction is just there, and I stopped doubting it long ago.
In summary, if a loved one has lost his or her faith in God, in the Gospel, or in the Church, ask them to hold onto their hope. Ask the question during a peaceful time when they can realize that, indeed, they do have hope – hope in the afterlife and eternal life. Let him or her know that, sometimes, hope is enough to sustain you. Faith will be patiently waiting to return when the time is right.
That is all for today. Thanks for listening to this episode of Science and Scriptures. In the next episode I think we will discuss the need to sustain a world of faith – one of the most underappreciated aspects of our time on earth. I hope you can join the discussion. Take care.